The first time I saw myself in the mirror after the stroke was while walking in the gym during a physical therapy session. There was a full length mirror on the wall. What I noticed was that I looked overweight and that my left affected arm was hanging motionless. I was walking toward the mirror with a cane. My body was somewhat bent over like an older person. I did not like what I saw. Seeing the structural changes to my body was difficult, but the weight gain hurt me most. (I felt…).It didn’t add up to the weight I gained during my two pregnancies (I won’t say how much) I thought I looked like a character from the movie “Norbit” by Eddie Murphy. My face was fat and other parts of me seemed larger, (a double chin, a muffin top, and dare I say I was bootylicious).  After having an athletic body most of my life, I was greatly disappointed. You might ask,How in the world did this happen?! Well, let me tell you, I ate weigh too much when I was in the hospital. I became a regular in the food services department placing daily orders for French toast and cream of wheat, tropical smoothies, boost shakes and chicken Parmesan as well as other high carb/fat menu items. Before then, I typically watched what I ate. I drank lots of water, fruit smoothies and had small salads. However, at the hospital, I didn’t give much thought to my diet. It was too easy to place an order and have it cheerfully delivered to my room. Like door dash.Focusing on recovering from the stroke took precedence over my diet.Plus, the food was GOOD! Over time, my weight gain became more evident by the fact that my wardrobe changed. I actually blamed my clothes for shrinking. Sadly, It’s easy to blame everything/everyone for our irresponsibility, isn’t it?Eventually, I found myself wearing larger sized clothing. I had crept into the world of plus sizes. I never had plus sizes in my wardrobe. It’s so easy to blame everything/everyone for our own irresponsibility, isn’t it?

Now, keep in mind, that it wasn’t just stuffing my face that changed my whole body but it was three months of being sedentary. Even though I was walking with a cane, I was still lying around for most of the 89 days in the hospital. The mirror made me face the truth, (which always hurts). Over time, my hurt was deepened by my own negative thoughts. “Tub of lard,” “big girl,” and Norbit ran over and over in my head. Those thoughts were so far from who I was before the stroke. It made me wonder, what did those thoughts say about my perception of being overweight? If I was thinking of myself like that, does that speak to feelings I may have had about others? This was definitely cause for some self reflection. So much for body positivity, right? Going back to the mirror, another change I noticed about myself was my hair. After having a craniotomy, my hair was shaved off. It had changed completely from what I was used to — wearing braids and head wraps. Over the years, my identity was tied to my hair. I was not used to seeing myself the way I did in that mirror. My husband, a barber by profession, had to cut my hair down sooo low I was almost bald. It was all definitely a hard time for a woman who was used to being beautiful. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I think I’m ugly, I’m saying that there were some ugly things I didn’t like seeing when I looked at myself. If you have experienced this type of change, I know you understand and can empathize with me. It’s a strange realization after seeing your body a certain way over time. It’s definitely a rude awakening when your physical appearance changes. I’ve been recovering for four years but the weight will not seem to go away. It has a mind of its own and is stubborn. So, now what? Do I set a new weight goal or starve myself to get there? As much as I’d like my body back, starvation seems worth it. Stay tuned….